Letters Never Sent - Scathing Truths Never Shared with the Recipient

Letter Details: Because I knew you...

Category: Business Blunders

Description:

Dear Friend,

I don't know how to say this, but as much as I admire you for everything you've overcome and love you for all the times you've stuck by me when it would have been easier not to, you really hurt me last night. I know you thought you were helping me by telling me this, with the whole "If I can get through that and be ok, you can too", and I love that you trust me enough to tell me things you've never told anybody else, not even your own husband and son, but, to be honest, a detailed description of your plan to commit suicide, and how close you came to following it through wasn't what I needed.

I love you. Very very much. I know it was two years ago when you "went there" and you're well and truly over it now and have promised yourself you're never going down that far ever again, but it still hurt. When I told you "There are no words", there really weren't. I didn't know how to feel, let alone what to say.

I was sad, horrified that someone I cared about went through that, and that as much as I loved you, there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop you from wanting, and planning, to end your life.

I was happy, relieved that, for whatever reason, you didn't go through with it and went home instead. I know neither of us believe in God, but I'm so glad *something* stopped you. I can still text you every day, tease you about ridiculous things and hug you every time I see you.

Most of all, I was scared. I KNOW it's in the past now, it didn't happen, you're absolutely fine, and in a good enough head space to be able to use yourself as an example to convince me that eventually I will be fine too, but what if it had? Nobody should ever have to be in the position of having to know just how close they came to losing somebody they love. What the hell would I have done I I had? Ironically, I wrote you a letter around the same time as this, part of which said; "When I got the message that said "Sometimes life is just too hard". I panicked. To be blunt, I was worried you might try and kill yourself. This scared the living daylights out of me. If anything ever happened to you, I have no idea what I'd do. It's crossed my mind occasionally and it always ends in tears, quite literally." I wish you'd told me. I wish you'd driven to my house instead of the lake. I wish you'd never had to go there to begin with.

Part of me is glad you told me this. I do believe you when you say that there's an end to this depression, and I just have to hang on until I find it, and I will, I know I'm worth the effort dealing with this is going to take, but part of me wishes I didn't know. I wish you hadn't told me for the same reason you haven't told your family. I'm not immune to feeling pain and guilt and frustration and all that other stuff anymore than they are. As you were talking, I came so close to opening my mouth and saying "No! Stop! I can't stand hearing this!" but I didn't. I felt that since you'd made the decision to tell me this in the hope of helping me, the least I could do was let you speak, but after we hung up I just cried.

Looking at the photos on my wall of us together, thinking of you going through that alone and in your head and (maybe a little selfishly) imagining my life without you in it absolutely broke my heart.

I know the cliched saying "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone" and I believe it's true. I'm so glad mine's not.

Much love, Me