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By
Unknown
Category: Valentine's Day Promotion!
Description:
Figured I'd better send something to each of them. One in Oaklahoma, four in Vermont, and one guy down here in Florida, though he isn't really an ex. And so you all know, the fiancee I talk about lives in Scotland. It was 2 years of online relationship before i even saw him at first, but he's visited me since then (a month ago, over Christmas) and everything went wonderfully. We're engaged now.
Dear boys,
You know, I hurt with each and every one of you, but now, I realize it's all for the better, and you know what? I laugh. Here's why.
Thomas, you make me laugh quite a bit, but not the hardest. You were just a middle school crush, but the thing is, you lied to me that entire time. Silly me, I thought you actually had something for me like I did for you. At every school dance, you'd slow dance with me, you'd ASK me to slow dance with you. Online, you'd tell me that we were "going out" but you wouldn't say a word to me at school. You were funny and attractive, but apparently that was it. After four years of this, I suddenly learn that one of the popular whores had a crush on you, and the next week, I learn that you two were "going out". Guess it was just because she was easy like the rest of them, huh? STDs and abortions are fun though, right? Good luck with all of that you rich bastard.
Ah, Alex. The ugly one...You really hurt me, but that's ok. It wasn't till later that I realized how ugly you are. Inside and out...but mostly out. We were dating for a month and three days, over Valentine's Day too. You got me a lot of chocolate and a card. I ended up burning the card, however, and only ate the good chocolates, then threw them away. You know how all of your friends kept coming up to me and asking if I hated Heather? Well, they did. "Heather is scared that you hate her. She thinks that you think she's trying to steal Alex away from you." You know, I hadn't even noticed it at all. I was nothing but nice to her, and I didn't see her around us much at all. Maybe that was just me being desperate for having a boyfriend. You broke up with me on the phone, you spinless coward. You said all this bullshit about us not talking anymore or some shit like that. Absolute bullshit. We never shut up. But you broke it off, on the phone, like the dickless coward that you are...and three days later, you were going out with Heather. Funny, huh? Yeah, you were cheating on me the entire time. I realized it too late. Oh well, your loss, not mine, you short, cowardly bastard.
Who was next? Oh yeah, Josh Cox. You know, Josh, I really liked the month we were dating. Even when you nearly broke your neck to look at other girls. That's fine. You didn't touch, you just looked. And hey, I looked at guys too. Though, not right in front of you. We'd sit at lunch and Ben would go "hey, look at the ass on that chick" and, holding my hand, you'd turn around real fast to look. But you were so funny, and I actually loved you. You also broke up with me on the phone, but I understood. You didn't lie to me when you did it. You realized what you were doing was hurting me, and wanted to grow up a little more. Well, a year later, I tried starting our relationship up again and you said no...but you were always so jealous when I had a boyfriend that wasn't you. That was the only time I ever got your interest again. Apparently I have it now, but I love my fiancee and don't plan on breaking up with him just so you can look at othe girls while holding my hand.
After you, it was Josh Platt. You know, I shoulda known better, Platt. I knew you were an asshole, but you seemed to quiet that down around me..for that one week at least. You found out that I had never been kissed, so you decided you'd be my first. I don't like remembering or acknowledgeing it. You weren't very good, and you got so awkward after it. In fact, we were waiting for the bus after that and you gave me my ring and took your dogtags back. And you broke up with me online. You said you made a promise to yourself that you would never get in a relationship again, because you didn't want to hurt anyone like you hurt some other girl before. You know what, you lieing bastard? Two days later, you were going out with Maggie. Publicly dating her. You son of a bitch. I said I had still never been kissed after that week, till just a month ago. You were three years ago, by the way. Oh, and a year later you sprained my wrist to "disarm" me of that harmful oreo that I wiped against your arm. You fucking faggot bastard.
Ken, you make me laugh the hardest. I don't even remember caring to keep track of how long we were dating, because I only said I'd go out with you to shut you up. I know it was wrong on my part, but you'd asked me 3 times. I decided what the heck, I'll give it a shot, and I didn't like it. Any of it. You were just constantly immature and running around like an idiot. So I broke it off with you, and you retaliated by being even MORE immature around me, cheating at cards whenever we played, and just made it impossible to be around you. Thankfully, I found Dan, a good friend of mine, who liked playing the Lord of the Rings card game with me. I can't call you any type of bastard because this one was my fault.
Who's next? Oh yes, the FLoridian. Robert, you just generally suck. You knew I had a boyfriend, but you insisted on stalking me and telling me you loved me and that my boyfriend was probably some rapist or 40 year old asshole wanting some Highschool Junior ass. First of all, I laughed so hard when I got to prove you wrong on that. Secondly, I just generally hate you. You stabbed me in the arm with a pen, and I should have told my dad, who would have kicked your ass into the ground. That's what you needed, a damned good ass kicking. I think your most recent ex gave you one, however. You gave me such a headache and hard time...you confused me so badly and make me lay awake at night wondering if I really did love my boyfriend at the time, and if I should break up with him just to have a tangable one. Well, you suck Robert. But I can't help but feel bad. Your parents are divorced because your father, when you were 5 or so, figured out he's gay and moved away. That's gotta be hard for a guy. You've never had a good paternal influence, but you should know better than to stalk people and cause them mental anguish. Oh well, you stopped bugging me to go out with some whore who fucked you within the first month, and that you've almost knocked up 4 or 5 times. She's a whore though, and I feel sorry for you now too. You proposed to her twice, and both times she said yes, but she got a new boyfriend, THEN broke up with you. I always said she was an easy whore. But you're a spinless bastard who cut yourself over me, then said "I love you so much I stopped cutting." You idiot.
Now, I'm with my soulmate, and I laugh at all of you. You gave me up (or in Ken's case, were just unlucky) and it's your loss, not mine. Each of you made me cry (Except Ken), but now I don't even give most of you a second thought. I talk to you still, Josh Cox, and you haven't had a girlfriend since me because you "love" me so much, and can't stand to hear me talk about Gary, but you know what? You're just shit out of luck. All of you are, I guess. Your problem, not mine.
~Mers.
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